So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
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