Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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