We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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