Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I want her autograph on my taint
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
