I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize