I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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