my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
