I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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