No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
