who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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