I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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