Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
