I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
