dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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