Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize