yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
