you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
