Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
