On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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