OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
