Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
