do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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