so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
