every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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