I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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