I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
