I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
