Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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