my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
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