Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
