i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
