Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
