Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
