had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
