Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
