college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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