My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
