I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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