I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
