turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
