I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
