I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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