I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
