On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
