I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
