a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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