No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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