In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
