I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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