david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize