I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
