Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
