Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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