i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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