Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
