if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
