Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
