apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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