I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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