i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
