My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize