My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
