i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
