Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize