God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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