Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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