dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize