I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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